1001 Ways to Become Rich
by Silver Dragonfire
Summary: Reading a book, Gilderoy Lockhart decides that the best way to supplement his allowance would be to blackmail Lucius. But he gets more than he bargained for. SLASH (Lucius/Severus, and Gilderoy as a pansy.)


**DISCLAIMER**: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. (Disclaimer used is from Fictionalley.org and/or RestrictedSection.org. Again, no copyright or trademark infringement intended.)   
  


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**1001 Ways to Become Rich**   
_By Silver Dragonfire_

  
  
Gilderoy Lockhart wasn't a particularly good student. Neither was he a bad one, but he could use some improvement, or so his teachers told him. He was horrible at Divination, mediocre at Potions (mostly because of his excellent Forgetfulness Potions), quite adept at Charms, and little better than average in Transfiguration. Gilderoy wasn't exactly **proud** of his grades, but at least they weren't the worst. That would stink immeasurably, he had decided. But he wasn't. And that was that.   
  
He was handsome; he had been told that he was by the giggly 5th and 4th year girls who made up his fan club. So he had played that for all that it was worth, embarking on innumerable dates with the prettiest of his year, and a few from the Upper Sixth, too. (If you ask him carefully, Gilderoy will admit to going on a few dates with blokes, too. But only if you get him very, very drunk.)   
  
But this was not what defined the name 'Gilderoy Lockhart', he was thinking one day. He pondered upon that for a few more minutes, lounging in the common room, and decided that he was having an identity crisis. This had some potential of getting him something, he thought, so he took a moment to announce it to the students in the room.   
  
"I..." -he paused dramatically- "…am having an identity crisis."   
  
A few heads turned his way, but most of them simply hissed at him in annoyance. Drat. He wasted a perfectly good Dramatic Moment, and not a single member of his fan club was here to see it. What a wast-   
  
"Keep it down, Lockhart," a drawling voice commanded. "Some of us are actually doing work."   
  
Lucius Malfoy sat in the most comfortable armchair by the fire, flanked by Tantus Nott and Edward Lestrange. It certainly didn't **look** like he was doing work; the sisters Narcissa and Bellatrix Black sat around him, Narcissa at his feet and Bellatrix on an arm of the chair. It was really not fair, Gilderoy though (again), that the two most beautiful Slytherin girls in the Lower Sixth would have nothing to do with him. And **everything** to do with Lucius Malfoy, self-styled King of Slytherin. (He noticed, but decided not to comment on the presence of one Severus Snape sitting in the chair next to Lucius'.)   
  
Still, as much as he resented Lucius for that, it was definitely **not** a smart thing to do to get on the aristocrat's bad side, so Gilderoy tried to make amends. "Er, sorry, Malfoy. I...lost control of myself?"   
  
"Hmph." Lucius looked like he would rather be mucking out stables than conversing with a Lockhart, and for all Gilderoy knew, he might rather well prefer to be. "Don't do it again." Lucius turned back to whatever he had been doing with the smug knowledge that he had won whatever competition he thought they had been fighting. Git.   
  
Gilderoy took a moment to relax into the sofa he was currently occupying, and went back to the book he had been **about** to read before he reached his little moment of confusion. 1001 Ways to Become Rich. Great book, if a bit out of date. But he could've done better, of course. Just look at it - Way #57 said, "Kill off a dragon. Sell for Potions ingredients. See p. 66 for more information, as well as a list of reasonable prices." Now, in this modern day and age, dragon parts just didn't fetch as high a price as they used to. Even selling **everything**, one would be lucky to make 200 Galleons. So, well, that was out.   
  
Idly flipping though the book, Gilderoy happened to come across something that was doable in modern wizarding society. Way #513: "Blackmail someone rich into giving you his money. (Or property.) See p. 125 for the finer points of blackmail." He turned to page 125, and started reading.   
  
"Blackmailing someone into doing something is an act that must be done carefully. First, one must acquire some knowledge about the person who will be blackmailed. The information must be something of consequence. For example, the fact that the blackmailee is throwing a surprise birthday party for one of his relatives would not do. A smart blackmailer needs to ask himself, 'Is this knowledge damaging enough that would give anything to keep it from going out?' If so, then, congratulations, you have a means to blackmail someone with. If not, we suggest hunting for more information.   
  
"Once the blackmailee's secrets are safely gathered, a blackmailer should ask himself, 'Am I going to be missed?' Yes, folks, you read that correctly. Assuming that you are blackmailing a wizard (or Muggle) of considerable status in society, it would be smart to make certain that a handy Avada Kedavra (or a hired assassin) will not get rid of you in an untimely manner. Remember, now that you know the secret, the blackmailee will stop at nothing to ensure that no one else finds out. Make sure that this does not result in your death, as that is generally very messy.   
  
"If you have gotten past that point and think you are ready to blackmail, well, think again. Remember, you are wizards here. First, you must make yourself impervious to Memory Charms (see p. 102 for more information). It simply would not do to have done all this, and have it all become undone by a useful 'Obliviate!'. We suggest writing it down in a journal, that is not known to anyone other than yourself, and becoming very good at Shield Charms.   
  
"Reaching this point in the procedure, you are now ready to blackmail. A successful blackmailer (who would like to remain anonymous) suggests not letting yourself be known. This reduces the odds of being a) killed, b) Obliviated, c) locked up in a dungeon and left to rot, or d) being discovered by the authorities. Obviously, of the four, choice b is the least damaging, so being an anonymous blackmailer is usually a good idea.   
  
"Remaining anonymous to your blackmailee is a rather simple thing to do. Our expert advises amateurs to stick to unsigned letters and such. Disguising one's handwriting is also a common trick used by blackmailers. Barring that, one can also use hooded cloaks in combination with spells to disguise one's voice, if one is meeting the blackmailee in person. This, though, contains hazards, as being in close physical proximity with your blackmailee might prompt an unwanted response. Such as 'Avada Kedavra'.   
  
"As our little section on blackmail draws to a close, we would like to ask that you follow the cardinal rules of blackmailers everywhere:   
"1. Never meet your blackmailee in an obvious place (i.e. dark corridors). Meeting in public (assuming you have proper Charms in place) will make the chances of being killed go down. Much.   
"2. Never turn a fellow blackmailer in. Blackmailers must all follow the Blackmailer Code of Honour*.   
"3. If you get caught, deny it for all you're worth. Remember, they can't do anything to you if they don't have proof. In view of that, one would be advised to burn all proof before it is discovered.  
"Happy blackmailing!   
  
"*For more information about the Blackmailer Code of Honour, contact Guild Headquarters at 613 Red Herring Lane, Surrey."   
  
Gilderoy was faintly amused at the book, but then a thought stuck him. Lucius. The blond Slytherin lord had enough money to share, surely. Gilderoy was - well, not poor, exactly, but he could use some money. He was running out of the expensive hair care products that his parents refused to buy. Not to mention this would be a nice hit back at Lucius. Now, if only he could find something that would give him enough leverage over Lucius...   
  
~*~   
  
A month later, Gilderoy was still secret-less. He noticed that Lucius snuck out every few nights, from...er...constant vigilance. (In actuality, Gilderoy just fell asleep in the common room and was woken by Lucius' escape of the dormitories.) But when Gilderoy made to follow, it seemed like Lucius had disappeared completely. It was as if he had an Invisibility Cloak!   
  
Then, sometimes, Severus would sneak out. Those nights, Lucius wouldn't appear in the common room at all (and vice versa). Gilderoy decided that they were sneaking out to torture small animals, or something along those lines. He began to watch for both of them, but he could not follow them past the corridor.   
  
On Friday the 13th, Gilderoy was sitting in the common room, reading Taking Care of Your Hair. Almost all of the other Slytherins had gone to bed; the only other people in the common room were a pair of 4th years and a trio of 2nd years. Then, quite suddenly, a small breeze blew past him. Gilderoy shivered. _Ghosts_, he thought. _Why can't they just be visible all the time?_   
  
That is, that's what he thought until Severus Snape came into the common room. And walked to the wall with the exit. And--was that a breeze?! Snape's hair, surely, can't do **that** without wind. Gilderoy caught himself. He would not, er, could not think about Snape's hair. That would simply be too unmanly.   
  
Gilderoy continued watching Severus, feeling compelled, almost, to keep an eye on the dark-haired Slytherin as he opened the portal to the hallways and stepped though. Just as Severus was about to disappear from sight completely, Gilderoy thought he saw a few strands of blonde hair floating behind Severus for a moment, as if he had lost a few hairs suddenly - but no, that couldn't be; Severus isn't blonde.   
  
As the portal glided back to its former position, Gilderoy quietly got up from his chair and walked quickly to the portal. Absently, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that the 4th years looked up briefly, but made no move to stop him from leaving. The 2nd years were about to go to the dormitories, and didn't see Gilderoy leave. _Good_, he thought vaguely, not quite sure exactly what he was talking about - the not really being noticed part, or the fact that he could just barely make out the hint of a gleam of torchlight on Severus' blue-black hair.   
  
Gilderoy let the portal slide to a close behind him, and hurried off after the point where he had last seen a glint of blue-black. He came to a turn in the corridor, and could not see any hint of Severus' passing. He was just about to go back to the common room when he heard a muffled sound; it sounded like conversation that was just in the next room.   
  
After a moment or two of careful listening, he was standing in front of a section of the wall that he faintly recognised as the Head Boy's chambers. He was **sure** that the sounds were coming from behind this wall, but how to get in? He took out his wand, and murmured, "_Alohomora_," but it didn't work. Not that he had expected it to, anyway, but that meant he really didn't have many options. For all he knew, this section of wall wasn't even the entrance to whatever room the noisy person happened to be in; the dungeons was an elaborate labyrinth that never was what it seemed to be, with paths so twisted and carefully intertwined that one could be lost for days if one did not know the way out.   
  
"Bugger," he said out loud.   
  
The wall in front of him moved, so silently that Gilderoy had thought he was imagining things for a moment or two. It receded like the tide; a whole section of the wall moved back, and slid to one side. Gilderoy could not do more than blink for at least 10 seconds; then, he managed a whispered "Wow."   
  
For, now, he could see into the room. Sort of. It was kind of dark, since the room was lit only by a single candle. _What kind of idiot uses 'bugger' for a password?_ Gilderoy thought incredulously, as he let his eyes adjust to the light of the room.   
  
_Oh my_, was the first thing he thought when his eyes allowed him to take in the scene in front of him. It was also the last thing, because he went into shock the next moment, and he did not think he could breathe, much less think. He remembered nothing from that point on...   
  
~*~   
  
...until he woke up in his own bed, safe and sound. Gilderoy blinked the sleep out of his eyes, wondering how exactly he had gotten there. The last thing he remembered was...   
  
Eww. Gilderoy squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to block out his memories, but it didn't work. Wait. One eye cracked open. What if it was just a dream? Maybe he had merely fallen asleep in the common room, and when someone came to guide him to bed, he wasn't awake enough to remember it. Yes, Gilderoy decided. That was it.   
  
He stretched languidly, confident that yes, **THAT** was nothing but a dream, a strange dream, true, but a dream none the less. Well. Confident until a voice spoke up from what he knew was **supposed** to be empty air beside his bed. "Well..." the familiar voice drawled. "It seems that your classmate is awake, Severus."   
  
"Er. Excuse me," Gilderoy tried to say. Tried being the key word. His mouth opened, his tongue moved, and he thought he felt his vocal cords vibrate, but no sound came out.   
  
"Luc, I don't think this is such a good idea," a voice Gilderoy knew belonged to Severus Snape said.   
  
"Getting twitchy, Severus? We haven't even started."   
  
"The Silencing Charm started it, Luc."   
  
Gilderoy heard Lucius sigh. "My dear Severus, you will find that there is a certain something to be said for the rules of being a Dark wizard. Torture starts when you say so, and not before."   
  
Gilderoy whimpered, or would have if he could. They-they weren't really going to torture him, were they? They didn't dare, the angel on his left shoulder told him. They were at Hogwarts; surely they wouldn't risk Dark magic on school grounds.   
  
Don't be so optimistic, the devil answered. For all we know, we could've been Portkeyed a thousand miles from Hogwarts; all that we know for sure is that we're in a bed that looks like the one we've slept in for the last 5-odd years, and we don't can't even see past the bed curtains because it's so dark.   
  
They began to argue about that, giving Gilderoy a headache. To tell the truth, he was a bit...anxious. Who wouldn't have been? Silenced, and essentially held hostage in his own bed. And now his conscience and impulse were fighting again (he wondered what they were doing there, actually. They usually only came out in times of...*ahem*...possible debauchery.).   
  
Gilderoy realized that he was being prodded, and that he had missed a great portion of conversation between Lucius and Severus. "Well, boy?" Lucius was saying impatiently. "Answer me, damn it."   
  
It took another moment for Gilderoy to find out that his voice was back; evidently, either Lucius or Severus had taken the Silencing Charm off. "Could you repeat the question, please?"   
  
"Gods above, why must I be surrounded by fools? I said, and I repeat slowly for your benefit, 'How much did you see?'"   
  
Gilderoy thought back to **THAT** and barely managed to stifle a small groan. He did not want to think about this right now, thank you very much! It was enough that he had to live through seeing it, did he really have to think about it again?   
  
Apparently, he did; Lucius snarled when he didn't answer and poked Gilderoy in the chest with his wand. "Answer me, you misbegotten git!"   
  
"Not much," Gilderoy managed to answer. "I was only looking for a second or two."   
  
"And then you fainted?" Gilderoy could almost hear the sneer in Lucius' voice. "Not bloody likely. Sev?"   
  
A slit of lighter darkness appeared in what Gilderoy decided must have been his curtain. A dark figure leaned though, and a voice commanded, "Drink," at the same time a small vial was pressed to his lips. Gilderoy tried to keep his lips closed, but when the figure realized what he was doing, his nose was grabbed, and, in surprise, he opened his mouth. A very small amount of liquid flowed inside his mouth, maybe three drops' worth; it tasted faintly bitter, like medicine.   
  
Within seconds, Gilderoy could not think anymore. There was a sort of...haze over his mind. Through the haze, he could barely make out Lucius' voice. "What did you see when you walked into the Head Boy's room?"   
  
"I saw you, Severus, and a bed," Gilderoy heard himself say. He panicked slightly, but the haze kept him from...well, thinking. He could not figure out what to do to escape, or where to go, or even who he was. _Veritaserum_, something whispered to him. What was that again? Gilderoy decided to simply ignore that, and wait for the haze to lift. Or, that's what his subconscious decided, anyway.   
  
"What happened after you saw us?"   
  
"I fainted."   
  
"What were Severus and I doing?" Lucius' voice came again.   
  
"Talking. Undressing. Breathing. Moving. See-"   
  
"That's enough!" Lucius' interrupted. "Stop now!"   
  
Gilderoy could not. His mind seemed to be running, as if it were in a race. It hurried to think of more things that they were doing at that particular point in time. A small part of Gilderoy's mind noted that the sliver of light from the opening of the curtain disappeared, but the rest of his mind just could not be bothered to see it.   
  
A muffled conversation was being held on the other side of the curtain. Gilderoy could not hear what was being said, but a part of him felt that it was about him.   
  
A few minutes later, when Gilderoy was resorting to such stuff as, "Living. Pulling your arms out of your sleeves," the curtains opened again. Another vial was pressed to his lips and when Gilderoy opened his mouth to name the next actions he could think of, a small flood of liquid rushed into his mouth. This liquid tasted slightly fruity, like strawberries, the subconscious part of him decided.   
  
Slowly, Gilderoy felt less compelled to keep on answering Lucius' question, and the haze started to lift from his mind. He took a deep breath, grateful that he regained control of himself (quite literally), and took an opportunity to stretch. Or. Well.   
  
The first hint he had that all was not right was that his arms felt a lot longer than he thought they ought to be. And...his mouth. Surely it wasn't so wide before? His eyes could not see in the nearly pitch-black darkness, but...were they wetter than usual? It wasn't tears, or so he didn't think. He caught sight of the flesh revealed by the slight opening in the curtains. Green? Humans didn't have green skin, did they?   
  
Climbing out of his bed (and noting that it took an unusually long time), Gilderoy walked over to where he thought the door was. He heard Severus' voice say, "Well, I guess that didn't work."   
  
"Whatever. Let's go," came Lucius' voice; then there was a faint vibration.   
  
Gilderoy shrugged to himself, and stared in the direction he thought his nightstand was. Only...it wasn't there. Or, it was, but it was a lot bigger than he thought. He struggled to climb up the side, thinking that Severus must have fed him a Shrinking Potion, and managed to get on top of the nightstand with only one fall. Luckily, they happened to be studying Enlarging Charms in Charms that week, and his wand was on the nightstand...right there, past the mirror.   
  
Gilderoy stopped at the mirror, intending to take the chance to preen and admire himself...and stopped. And stared. In horror. He tried to scream, but all that came out was a faint _ribbit_. His reflection stared back at him, looking as if it, too, was horrified.   
  
_No..._ Gilderoy thought frantically. _I **can't** be a frog..._   
  
~*~   
  
"Do you think we should've changed him back?" Severus asked Lucius as they sprawled on the couches in the empty (but for them) common room.   
  
"Nah. You said it'd wear off. It's not as if he'll go tattling to the teachers. He was out past curfew, too, and I don't believe that he just **happened** to walk past the room, know the password, and fainted. He had to have had some ulterior motive. Blackmail, perhaps."   
  
"What makes you so sure?"   
  
"Oh, please. You're slipping, Sev. I saw him reading 1001 Ways to Become Rich. My great-grandfather wrote that book, and I've read it. There are less than 100 things that could be done easily in this day and age, and blackmail happens to be the only one that doesn't involve Dark Magic, that's doable in this school."   
  
Severus rolled his eyes. "I suppose you'd know this from experience."   
  
"Of course not!" Lucius sounded scandalised. "Malfoys are quite above extortion and such petty affairs."   
  
"Right."   
  
"But some of the other students have tried blackmailing me. Into various things."   
  
"What happened to them?" Severus couldn't keep a trace of curiosity out of his voice.   
  
"Geis on two, _Obliviate_ on five - honestly, I can't believe how stupid some of them were."   
  
Severus snickered. "And now, Veritaserum on one who didn't have enough to properly blackmail anyway. Or so you think."   
  
Lucius smirked. "It's not as if he had come in two hours later, when we were **really** doing something."   
  
Severus blushed faintly. "But, still, how would you reputation be if it got out that Lucius Malfoy, king of Slytherin, was a crossdresser?"   
  
"The same as your reputation would be if it was known that you were into sadomasochism."   
  
"Touché."   
  
"Quite."   
  
~*~   
  
As it turns out, neither of them had to worry, as Gilderoy was traumatised by the whole experience (especially seeing himself as a frog), and his mind managed to push the whole experience out of his head. Gilderoy's copy of 1001 Ways to Become Rich disappeared from his dormitory shortly afterwards, but he hardly noticed the loss.   
  
For some reason that he never could remember, his subconscious decided that trying to extort money from Lucius Malfoy was not the best idea, and instead wrote to his parents to plead for more of Sleekeazy's Kiwi-Scented Shampoo and Conditioner, which he received from his parents shortly afterwards (though they were very reluctant to give him more, really).   
  
As for Lucius himself, he continued to enjoy the...er...freedom that women's clothes gave him. He wore a schoolgirl's uniform the most; strangely enough, that happened to be what Lucius was taking off when Gilderoy walked in on them.   
  
Severus continued to experiment with Potions, and was very much disappointed when his experimental potion that was supposed to cancel the effects of Veritaserum continued to change it's vict-er, subjects into different small animals (voles, moles, rats, and frogs among them).   
  
All in all, that year in Hogwarts ended quite well; no one's reputation was ruined, no long-kept secrets were revealed, and no one was killed while being subjected to one of Sev's experimental potions. Gilderoy got his expensive hair care products, and was thankful (though he couldn't for the life of him remember why) that he never saw Lucius in woman's clothing again.   
  
**~OWARI**   
  


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**Author's Notes**: Another fic gone wrong. Well, not wrong, exactly. Just...not the way it was supposed to. Gilderoy was NOT supposed to faint, nor were Lucius and Severus supposed to force feed him Veritaserum. And the Evil Overlords' Code of Honour was supposed to pop up somewhere, too. And I don't think I did a good job explaining exactly what happened, either... I'm cursed, I really think I am.   
  
Um, to attempt to clarify: Lucius had snuck out in an Invisibility Cloak, wearing a school girls' uniform, with Severus opening the door for him. They escaped to Lucius' room, that he had to himself as Head Boy. When Gilderoy walked in on them, Lucius and Severus were getting ready for bed. Gilderoy became traumatised at the fact that Lucius was half-naked and in a girls' uniform (because, actually, he's in denial about his own homosexuality), and fainted. Lucius and Sev didn't notice until quite some time later, since they were probably going at it like rabbits (thus the 'really doing something' comment). Either that or up to something very kinky. I like sadomasochistic!Snape. Anyway, I leave that open to speculation. Then, the rest is sufficiently explained (I hope).   
  
Phew. *wipes sweat off forehead* **Eli-kun**, I hope you're not too disappointed. -_-;;; I'm sorry; I tried. Please review, and tell me whether you loved it, hated it, or was somewhere in between? 


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